Michael
Bay ("Armageddon," "Pearl Harbor") directs the futuristic
action thriller "The Island," starring Ewan McGregor ("Star
Wars: Episodes I, II & III," "Moulin Rouge!") and Scarlett
Johansson ("Lost in Translation," "Girl With a Pearl Earring").
Lincoln Six-Echo (McGregor) is a resident of a seemingly utopian but contained
facility in the mid-21st century. Like all of the inhabitants of this
carefully controlled environment, Lincoln hopes to be chosen to go to
the "The Island"—reportedly the last uncontaminated spot
on the planet—until he makes a terrible discovery that everything
about his existence is a lie…and that he is actually more valuable
dead than alive. Together with a beautiful fellow resident named Jordan
Two-Delta (Johansson), Lincoln makes a daring escape to the outside world
he’s never known. Now, with the forces of the institute that once
housed them relentlessly hunting them down, Lincoln and Jordan engage
in a desperate race for their lives.
Rounding out the main cast of "The Island" are Oscar® nominee
Djimon Hounsou ("In America," "Gladiator") as the
leader of the security team pursuing Lincoln and Jordan; Sean Bean ("National
Treasure," "The Lord of the Rings" trilogy) as the head
of the Institute; Steve Buscemi ("Ghost World," "Armageddon")
as a man who befriends Lincoln despite working for the institute; and
Oscar® nominee Michael Clarke Duncan ("The Green Mile,"
"Armageddon") as another resident who is elated and envied when
he is selected to go to "The Island." |
| I just saw Michael
Bay’s The Island. Some people like the man that made this movie
and other people do not. Some people think he makes super exciting “popcorn
movies” that make you “forget about life for awhile.”
The other kind of people wish that Michael Bay would stop worrying about
their lives, and start worrying about not being a douche bag. I’ve
gone back and forth. But it doesn’t really matter what I think about
Michael Bay. The point is, is that those two kind of people will be divided
on this movie as well. People are either going to be WOW’ed out
of their seats by The Island and leave the theater with an entire new
spectrum of conversation starters at parties, or they’re going to
see through Bay’s bullshit and believe he made a ‘hot button’
issue movie as an excuse to lure his zombies to see him blow shit up,
again. But don’t listen to those people. Listen to me. The Island
is good.
No one can tell me they don’t like so called “escapist”
films. I might not be going to a film to just “get away from it
all,” leaving my troubles at the doorway and forgetting about the
cancerous demon growing in my belly. But I certainly am going to a film
to see a good story, a story that hopefully won’t have anything
to relate to my life or even be in my grasp. For instance, being a mild-mannered
chemist fighting off renegade soldiers over a nerve gas threat at Alcatraz
has never happened to me. Oh wait. Yes it has. Last Tuesday. Fuck. But
anyway, that’s me. I like far out stories.
Okay, sorry. You started reading to read about The Island and so far I’ve
just talked about how Michael Bay makes movies and how some people think
he’s a douche bag. I just thought that was important to the scope
of my review. The Island takes place in the year 2019. The consensus is
is that Earth was contaminated and all the survivors live in a sort of
isolated “space station,” but on ground. Each day a survivor
wins the “lottery” and is transported to the “island.”
The island is supposed to be the only uncontaminated place on the outside.
There’s a group of staff workers who facilitate every aspect of
the survivor’s lives including their nutrition, clothes, education
and how close they get to the opposite sex. And get this: those FUCKERS
who facilitate everything, aren’t really facilitators. They’re
CLONERS! Yeah, they fucking clone everyone. Professional cloners. When
people in the real world get sick, they call a cloner to make a clone
of them and the cloner does and the clones are told they’re survivors
from a contaminated blast and when they get called to the island, they’re
so happy. But they shouldn’t be. Because all the island is is a
bone saw ready to take out your heart or any necessary organ your “sponsor”
might need. And that’s never happy. This of course has raised heated
debate over the classic examination of stem cell research and cloning.
Many academics have begun to toss around their pros and cons. And many
islanders have taken offense to the idea that they do not exist. And this
is what Michael Bay wants.
So yes, as of now we have a super cool story. It could have been made
into a cool movie, or it could have been taken in a weird direction where
Ewan McGregor would have looked straight at the camera and whispered “What
do you believe?” But Michael Bay doesn’t know the meaning
of subtle imagery. Michael Bay just likes to blow shit up and spray nerve
gas and torture criminals and rewrite history and eat furniture and chug
Dymatap all in the name of SAVING THE FUCKING WORLD! Hell yes. So in The
Island, our main character clone person, Lincoln Six-Echo, begins to question
a few things about his existence. Something isn’t quite right. It’s
very very similar to Winston questioning his life in 1984. Lincoln figures
out the evil plot, but before he can make a rational plan, his best hot
friend, Jordan Two-Delta, wins the lottery and is being sent to the island.
They say you are ten times more likely to win the lottery than to survive
a speeding flying motorcycle chase down a busy interstate. And that must
mean Jordan Two-Delta is SO lucky, because that’s EXACTLY what happens
when Lincoln helps her escape after winning the lottery! Every scene after
they escape the “harvesting” silo is really cool. Cars are
being split in half by shards of metal. Huge armored vehicles are being
skipped along the highway like rocks. And every time something hits something
in this movie, like a car hitting a building or a person hitting a metal
pipe, they hit it very hard. A very accurate sound is emitted and Michael
Bay thus succeeds. And yes, like films in this genre, there are times
where you are like, “Give me a fucking break! They were shot off
a 70-story building along with truck-sized debris and a random net caught
them at the bottom? That is so unrealistic.” But of course, how
realistic are harvested clones to begin with? So the net must be acceptable.
Anyways, the clones find the people they were cloned from and all sorts
of ridiculousness occurs. Some of that part is kind of cool, and some
of it I remember seeing in cartoons. I’m not big on sex scenes,
but this one was awkward and necessary and thus cool. And the ending I
like a lot. The shots look really cool and I feel happy for all those
clones, even though they have no souls.
So I left that theater having cringed a few times, saying “Whoa!”
a bunch, laughing a fair amount, and pondering my meaningless existence.
What if I am a clone of a person? Or what if I somehow give birth to a
clone of myself? Then I could live for like 80 more years. I would only
let Michael Bay make me think these lame moral questions because, I mean,
he probably is a big loser and I really want him to know that I’ll
be his friend if he wants. So Michael, if you’re reading this, The
Island was good. I’m sorry it only made $12.4 million opening weekend
and cost $124 million to make. My grandma gave me a $25 savings bond that
will be worth $1,100. But I can’t get the money till I’m 25.
Maybe that will put a dent in things. Keep making movies Mike. We know
you’re trying. Can I call you Mike? |
